READ. Or die curious.

That is the question.

2011-12-16T01:07:00.000+08:00

Have I done something wrong?

Changing Course

2011-11-15T22:54:00.004+08:00

Somewhere in between, a part deep within died

And you make sure that it remains dead

Now I'm changing course, setting off another road

So don't come this way again

Should I thank God or should I curse
Forgive or to be forgiven

No book or teacher or wisdom has taught

How should anyone be warned

Live a day, wonder another

Someday I know you'll be gone

But till then, I'll save what's left

Inch my way through changing course

Choosing Not To Die

2011-11-02T10:58:00.002+08:00

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

21

2011-11-01T16:51:00.004+08:00

Excitement, bliss, unfamiliarity, indulgence, mistakes, learning, repentance, breaking free, being vulnerable, repetition, being ignored, trust, distrust, misunderstanding, fighting, rumors, reconciling, taking time, betrayal, emptiness, travelling, leaving, changing course, growing, realization, relating, opening up, joy, love, enjoyment, being real, protecting, anger, frustration, trashing out, detours, helplessness, insecurity, finding my worth, compassion, helping, tears, laughter, losing sleep, lying in bed all day, diarying, gaining enlightenment, discernment, quiet sadness, heaviness, hurts, taking responsibility, seeing true colors, dealing with people, dream come true, surreal happiness, gratefulness, treasuring, being transparent, taking courage, tenacious faith, belief, self-condemnation, honesty, changing perspectives, set free, feeling, being human, escaping, selfishness, selflessness, confusion, stuck, broken down, pain, desperate prayers, struggle, holding on, letting go, giving up, trusting God, seeing the beautiful, doing what's right, trying to be an adult.

Age 21

Reality Check

2011-10-05T05:04:00.002+08:00

Funny how when chaos reach its peak, you find tranquility

When things can't get any worse, they get better

A surreal calm that drowns out all other voices

You hear your own breathing and float in the air looking down at your body

Could this be a dream? An illusion perhaps?

But why is my mind clearer than ever

Some call it slumber, others named it denial

Yet I can't help wondering if this is secretly the true reality

Full Circle

2011-09-16T05:18:00.002+08:00

We have gone a round

Making loops and turns

Swerved sharply

Passing familiar places

A detour

Though it seems like a journey

Swinging around the corner

Now we've come full circle

Let's take it back to the start.

It Is Time

2011-09-15T14:26:00.002+08:00

I need a new home

I'll find it in the skies

I'll fly on rainbows

I'll find a stranger and say "How do you do?"

I'll get lost and smile to myself

I'll lie on the ground and look up at the blinding sun

I'll crash someone's house

I'll sleep on the park bench

I'll share my food with a hungry dog

I'll walk down the deserted street and pull my coat on a little tighter

Just give me a new home

On Days Like This

2011-09-11T01:51:00.005+08:00

"Hahahahahaha...", she burst out in unreserved laughter as a joke led on to another. It was another one of those times when jokes roll on and everyone's all cracked up. It was so funny that she forgot how they even got on the topic. Then it enveloped her. Like a dark cloud engulfing the burning sun, gloom washed over all traces of happiness. She stopped dead in her laughter. But a split second later, she realized she couldn't just change temperament like some bipolar maniac. So she stretched her lips out wide and continued laughing a little more.

She rested. That was tiring. She sat down and wondered how long she could hold this up. The right way to respond is to be forward-looking and positive. But why does guilt come over her whenever she's having a good time? It almost feels like she doesn't have the right to feel happy. She wished some things could be changed but there was nothing that could be helped.

So she hung around until it was time to go home.

Those Times

2011-09-09T02:12:00.002+08:00

The crushing moments are not at the startling beginning; neither are they at the depressing end. It is the unbearable in-betweens that get you crumbling and rolling. You know but ought not to think about it; you want but know that you should push it away. You long to rave and cheer yet something tells you to keep it low; you feel euphoria and forlorn all at the same time. It's deluding madness, absurdity, lunacy. Yet in all that mania, you practice with grace and composure. A spinning dance that represents a whirling mess. Alike a beautiful classical piece that drowns in chaotic notes - got to keep on playing. Once the music stops, the beauty will too.

I'll keep rolling.

Because

2011-09-04T23:37:00.002+08:00

Because I tried my hardest

Because I don't know what to do

Because I came up with a game plan

and failed at all attempts

Because my caution is broken

Because my will is weak

Because I'm still trying to figure this out

though I've never once succeed

Because it's way too much for me

Because it's beyond what I can see

Because the speed is blinding, making everything whirling, my head is swirling, I gotta jam a pause...

Because

Bridge

2011-09-02T03:30:00.002+08:00

What tells of a noble character

A leader, a hero, a dying knight?

Those of given is but hidden

Until the very last light

To make a stand, to cast a net

One day the mute would break out in song

But what really calls to endure

Is a living in the unknown

Running is futile, hiding forbidden

My place I have to hitch

So I'll stretch across the rivers and valleys

In darkness I'll be your bridge

It has been

2011-07-13T03:27:00.002+08:00

Happy 9th Year! :)

What is life all about?!

2011-06-23T10:00:00.003+08:00

Life is all about...

Believing

Even when not knowing what will happen next if you do.

Unconditional conditions

2011-06-23T05:56:00.003+08:00

I'll always accept you for who you are only if you'll always be here.

I Need A Reminder

2011-06-23T05:54:00.000+08:00

Say it again for me.

Listen

2011-06-21T03:47:00.001+08:00

Music's what you hear.

2011-06-20T03:48:00.000+08:00

DOES MY INTENSITY SCARE YOU?

Heading Home

2011-05-30T01:43:00.005+08:00

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my Kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming

Escape Plan

2011-05-28T01:02:00.000+08:00

RUN.

And Ever

2011-05-26T01:58:00.002+08:00

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

What is given is not lost. No wine untasted, no song unsung.

But if only..

If only forever lasts forever.

Paradoxical Sayings

2011-05-12T02:00:00.002+08:00

You really only love once VS You can love two people at once

I'd like to believe in the former, but stinging reality leans to the latter. Yet really, I never quite belong to this well-disguised absurdity called reality. Much often, I just don't get it. It confuses me sometimes. Why can't people put all their love on just one person? Why do people get distracted? Why does love changes?

So many questions, so few satisfiable answers. If you answer these questions with reasonable explanations, I'll ask you over again. 'Cause love is illogical.

I think I belong in a children's fairytale book. Take me home.

What is life all about?!

2011-04-25T02:55:00.002+08:00

Life is all about...

Imperfections

And learning to live with it.

What is life all about?!

2011-04-17T15:11:00.003+08:00

Today, I will start a new series What is life all about?!

Two years ago, I started a series called Details of a Mundane Life. I had lotsa fun observing people and things through the lens of art. Now I'd like to try jotting down a word or two to describe about life each time I experience a slice of it. To appreciate all angles of life then piecing them together to see the beauty in living. So here I go!

Life is all about...

Failing

Big time, constantly, over and over again. Then getting back up and do it over.

The World and Its People

2011-04-09T03:29:00.004+08:00

The world is full of illogicalities.

- Max Jerry Horowitz, Mary and Max

If ever, there is someone who can see the illogicalities of the world without the distraction of emotions, preferences and impulses, perhaps we would then finally know why things are not working out the way we want it to.

If ever, there is someone who has absolute objectivity, with pureness in mind and heart, who doesn't comprehend ulterior intentions, perhaps we could trust and embrace the person's free mind.

If ever, there is someone who dares to be utterly honest with people without even knowing how to harbor dark motives, perhaps he would be the best friend anyone could ever have.

But being this way is clinically diagnosed as the Asperger's Syndrome. Aspies usually are the outcast, bullied and deemed as those with a disability. Few people want to engage with them because of their lack of empathy due to their ability to think in a completely logical way.

The world is full of illogicalities indeed.

Don't come back

2011-03-24T01:27:00.000+08:00

Outliers

2011-03-23T02:24:00.004+08:00

"There are two types of outliers. Those who are rejected by society and those who reject society. Either way, you do not find any of them in society." - The Dreamist

It's time to get back in.

Seed In The Jar

2011-03-17T03:17:00.005+08:00

Place a seed in a jar and sprinkle a little water.

It springs up to a seedling and reaches above for more.

Then the yearn turns into a strain, and strain into parched thirst.

The seedling can no longer grow any higher.

Dust it with a pinch of soil and the seedling devours its gift.

It stretches an inch further, though still not quite out of the jar.

The sun came out, and the shoot survived another day.

The sun went down, its life is lived on a thread.

Then the jar is moved to the dark cabinet in the kitchen.

Facing the inside of the doors, shrunken and forgotten.

Curled up in its jar, forbidden to die though it sheds its green.

Now brown and wrinkly, still within the jar.

Muted from its growth, but not dry enough to be dead.

This plant is mistakenly out of place.

Let's go back and rethink that careless cold glass.

This seed has never been out of its jar.

Hear The Rustle

2011-03-15T06:39:00.003+08:00

There's something happening that I can't quite lay my finger on. But I know there is some movement going on. A move from the familiar to the much-feared unknown. A move from the old rut that I've dug deep over the years to a whole new terrain. It's gonna require lots of work though. But for once in a long time, something is whirring again. Like water in a pot that just begins bubbling from heating up. Or the slight stirring of creatures coming alive that comes with the morning first light.

My life was destroyed and now it's time to have a new life. Let's make it different this time.

Destruction

2011-01-20T03:15:00.004+08:00

Did I just destroy my own life?

Or did someone else do it?

Either way, the damage is done. Never same again.

Expected Surprise

2011-01-16T05:01:00.004+08:00

This is not real

For a while I believed it was

Momentarily, I wished it was

But Pinocchio doesn't exist in real life

Neither does love that seems almost surreal

No, it wasn't what I thought it would be

Nothing but a twirl of colors and illusion

Though my capacity is more than I gave credits for

Yet I've always understood its temperament

Not too long before I gave the dive

Not very long at all, nothingness has weighed me down

Here I am, back to peculiar silence

Still not fitting for the now disquieted soul

Still pondering on the paradox of quietness and crowd

But this time, no distractions can blur the focus on truth

Casual is not an option anymore

The laughter has stopped, so the games have too

Should have known thrill suggests a split of a second

Should have never stepped out of the foggy haven

So there is none left to save me now

Down into the pit where bad girls don't heed

Not returning to zero, though with no less consequence

As promised, the dangers have come to find

I'll lay a while longer before its engulf

Never same when back out again, never same again

Rush

2010-11-18T15:00:00.004+08:00

I think this is real.

This time, it's real.

Could this be real?

Somebody tell me it's real.

How long?

2010-11-15T21:06:00.001+08:00

How long can I think of nothing, to remain in the state of blank until something comes along. How long can I not expect, and take whatever's offered me.
How long can I just feel, to think only happy thoughts and keep the smiles up.

Surprisingly, I do have the capacity to do it.
The question is

For how long?

Peculiar Silence

2010-11-12T02:15:00.002+08:00

It's the dead of night. Nothing is stirring except for the gentle wiring of the fan and the distant cricket chirp. Here I am, writing things that don't really matter instead of penning down serious exam-worthy opinions in my essay. Nobody is really awake or around, at least you don't know they are until you start clicking a name in the window and watch the words come to life. But I'll leave them in the window, and they are just little colored icons bopped above the mass of sleeping names.

The night breeze is cool from the early rain. Even the briskly trees stand muted in the ground. It's rare to get such a quiet and peaceful night. But quiet and peaceful hardly reflects the wakened soul within. Oh look here, a fellow living creature has made its existence known. Perhaps a reminder of the life yet ceased. Yes, I do need a refresher as of late, and it is taken and gratefully appreciated. Now for the least the flutter has an audience. For a while, the stale silence has been broken. Flashing orange promises companion to the sole. A heart, a mind, an exchange of both. A warmth to the chill, a glow in the dark.

It's funny how quiet comes when the crowd is gone. But where there's no crowd, quietness is not felt. Should the luxury of presence be endowed foremost? That one would so sicken and dies when gone.

Casual

2010-11-10T12:39:00.002+08:00

Casual? I can do casual.

Let's laugh it off. Just don't stop laughing. Everything ends when you stop laughing.

Let's have some fun and games. Let's throw caution to the wind.

Let's live without a care. Let's run around like kids.

We can have a taste of thrill. We can make life merry.

We can crack a few mindless jokes. And cackle though unfunny.

Just remember never to stop laughing.

Of Anger And Forgiveness

2010-11-09T16:39:00.003+08:00

We can get angry and forgive for the stupidest reasons.

For the past two days, I did both. Perhaps I'm the stupid one.

To Be Or Not To Be

2010-11-09T10:24:00.003+08:00

Back to planning for one? It's becoming real tempting. Well, at least I'll have US to fall back on.

Now to continue the life that was brusquely interrupted.

Vicissitude

2010-11-08T23:00:00.002+08:00

Those many months of staggering blogging has now changed to an update every three days? Well, seems like in those months I have made myself an obsolete expression. It was the mundane unlike me, cut away from the roots of my soul, an estrangement of the passionate being inside. Okay let's not get there. But trying to be objective and controlled for too long has become a kind of hazard for the natural self.

Firstly, ruined friendships accumulated over the past two years have stopped me from embracing new ones. Locked myself in the ice cold room of self preservation.

Secondly, the exile of distractions. Whether it's money, materials, food, entertainment or lifestyle altogether, it's the minimal. Basic survival. For the love of travel. (The things I do for a breath of fresh air.)

Thirdly, infusion of busyness. I have to do something to shift my focus from distractions. In a way, the shift is good for my financial goals and studies. But it also means sucking the life outta me. I forgot how to include people in my life. All my goals and plans were made for one, and if anyone wants to hop along, they can do so if they fit my schedule.

Momentarily, there's a motivation to let my guard down to feel and see. Perhaps there could be a better way. Perhaps I shouldn't wait for the other shoe to drop. Perhaps failure and hurt can be healthy if we dare to face them. Yet very soon, I might be falling back to ground zero again. Wish I could hold out longer though. We'll tell from the frequency of blog posts then.

Ambiguity is Haven

2010-11-05T17:57:00.002+08:00

I have stepped into forbidden land
The one I know I'm not allowed to
The one I don't allow myself to
I had a choice, and I've taken it
How have I come down here?

I should have never done
I should have never went
I should have held on for my life
I should have known better than that
It is all but a step too late
Nay sayers, come claim your rights!

What can save me now is perhaps that blinding fog
The fog of ambiguity would save me from my vice
For what can't be seen wouldn't be achieved
Then at that moment, I'm in haven
Let me stay for a while in haven

Change

2010-10-10T04:05:00.003+08:00

Life is but an ephemeral mist. Should have known this day would come.

The Dream

2010-09-02T23:34:00.002+08:00

6.26am. I woke up aggrieved. If Freud was ever sane, the dream would have been my deepest conscience. It was so vivid, so close, so true. I said everything I couldn't have in real life. For once, I was free. I broke out and lived it. I was honest, and there was no stopping me. I didn't worry about judgement, couldn't care less about expectations, don't even know if anybody's watching. I was human again. It has been a long time. I missed it.

And then I woke up. Grief washed over me when I realized it was all a dream. I mourned in my bed and looked at the clock. 6.26am. It had been barely 3 hours of sleep but my mind was sharp. I almost laughed at myself for thinking it was real. But I couldn't laugh. I had just ended the closest thing to real in months. That could be the best sad dream ever.

Whoever says reality is sane. I say it's not only unreal, but it drives people insane.

Beauty

2010-06-07T01:41:00.003+08:00

"There's something beautiful in pain and suffering." - James Lim

A withering red rose dying slowly and elegantly, but surely broken and perishing. A little while longer and it'll lose it's grace; not before long, it'll shrivel up dry and black. But just a little while, it's changing ever so beautifully. Shifting shapes and colors, dancing daintily in the light. Hold a minute, is that beauty I see in death?

Now I see a dying girl smiling in her sleep. Arms wrapped round her tiny body, her ruby lips almost the shade of her scarlet dress. Her smile lingers an eternity, her skirt trail rests from the breeze. So sad, so beautiful. A heart-wrenching beauty.

It's been a long night.

Leap?

2010-04-15T03:23:00.004+08:00

Today, someone told me to go forth and do what should be done. Funny, somehow it didn't occur that simple to me before. I've worried too much, pondered too much, calculated too much. Everything is thought, but nothing is done. Is that why doors are always slammed in my face? Give like you don't own a thing. Love like you have it all.

Today, I am enlightened by a prideful man. A prideful man was broken down, and now leaves a legacy of a prideful past. Yes, the past is our legacy. For what didn't destroy us, builds us.

Do what you know of. Dive right in. Could this be freedom? Could life possibly be this simple?

Familiar Strangers

2010-04-13T00:47:00.002+08:00

He knew that I wouldn't say bye when he leaves before me. But he says to me every single day.
He knew that I would sit there like a rock every time he wakes up. But like a majestic lion just woken from its slumber, he would rub against me in affection, seeking for attention? Even when he knew that I would dodge and squirm and perhaps return with a frown.
He knew that talking to me is like shouting into an endless pit, the only reply is an echo of his own voice. But he keeps going on like there's someone at the bottom of the pit.
He knew that I would return late even if he asks me to be early. He tries anyway.
He knew that I would not give back the tender tone that he uses through the phone. But he does it every time.

She knew that I wouldn't talk when I return home. So she doesn't talk either.
She knew that I wouldn't broadcast to the world on what I'm doing. So she doesn't ask.
She knew that I have friends to keep me busy. So she got out of my way.
She knew that my scowl probably means a bad day. So she left me alone.

Pursuit or compel? Room or distance?
If love is expressed only in ways you know how, you probably haven't loved much.

Read Into It

2010-04-09T02:06:00.003+08:00

Reduce
Faint
Moderate
Diminish
Thin
Weaken
Dilute
Fade

They all have the same meaning.
So many words to describe one thing. Life is overrated.

Battle-Torn Warrior

2010-04-02T03:01:00.004+08:00

As I stumbled upon a photo of myself taken three years ago, I realized I've lost the bit of youthful glint in my eyes. Staring into the mirror, a battered soul coarse from wars and battles stared back at me.

As a certain someone suggested, perhaps the snip of my long mane gives a hint. Once wanted so much to be loved, now just wants to be free. Freedom is the love for life. It's to appreciate every bit and corner. To dive into every pit and well.

Freedom involves leaving as well. Abandon baggages and comfort, loosen up dreams and rights. Can't linger for long; time your stay; know when to go. Freedom is suave. It's sure. It's curious. It harmonizes.

I want a little more wind in my hair, a little more road to run, a few more faces to remember, a lot more to offer.

If every dream were to perish, I hope to die with this one.

The State of Wonder

2010-03-25T03:22:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, it makes me wonder what would turn out if I'd made a different choice. If I were to smile instead of frown, if I were to embrace instead of walk away. At the edge of crossroads, it takes just a step to decide who you want to be.

Observing out of flesh, I can't help but wonder, is a person defined by just a step of action? What if decisions take only a difference of split seconds. Would I be a different person if you give me a minute more? Would you be a different person if I had taken more time?

So I'll take more time to see what you'll be. I'll slow it down to watch what I'll do. Is God pacing as well to watch me perform? Is he holding his breath as I ponder upon my choice? Is he waving like a proud father when I make the right one? Is he waiting by the sidelines ready with a hug when I wronged all over?

Sometimes, it makes me wonder what would turn out if I'd made a different choice. Yet in the mass of choices, something urges me to press on; to keep waiting for the best choice that is to come. The one that I'm not able to see, the one that I can't visualize.

I have a dream

2010-03-17T15:34:00.001+08:00

What do you dream today?

Changes

2010-03-04T02:09:00.002+08:00

Very soon it will come
Maybe not now, eventually, inevitably
A take over is due its course
Can you smell the air of warning hues

Choices, Suprises
Bound to have some of them peek by
But are we able to detach from our bodies
And watch ourselves with our own eyes

A rainbow of diversity, surely, we can observe
Some leap into action, others drag and rant
Still others keep it steady
Balancing what's precious with careful hands

The question is not what would happen
Or what would become of me
Before the point is missed, one should ask
Are you ready?

If

2010-02-20T04:28:00.004+08:00

If there were no barriers
No motives
We can all be honest and true
If I can read all your fidgets and shifts
If I can make you break down your cool

If we can play like kids again
And rave about a future that never comes
If fairies are real and monsters exist
If boys have cooties and girls are yuck

If you really mean what you say
If I can see you through that door
If laughing only means happiness
If crying comes in wailing
Not in drips of water down the jaw

If we'll all come clean
Wonder what will become of us
Would you freak
Would you leave
Would we ever be like before

If we can all thank God for now
Would we still crave for more
If words can fulfill its expression
If we live in a world without walls

Lesson Number One

2010-02-02T00:59:00.004+08:00

I stepped in and saw him, distant, uptight, and I knew at once that stories about the curt skeptic were true. He rose from his seat, slow, measured, and gained control of the crowd. Without addressing his audience, he asked for his volunteer like a mysterious magician and pulled a psychic trick. But what fooled us wasn't his little trick; before we knew it, he was blasting jokes and mischief. Sometimes witty, other times just self-entertaining. I thought I saw him stick his tongue out like a child. Occasionally, he would smile to himself, enjoying a private joke of his own; the next moment, peering close into faces, making the girls blush and giggle. I have to stop myself from slapping my forehead and rolling my eyes. Yet watching such boldness, I can't help getting jittery myself. Then with much swiftness, he made an acute elbow turn and revealed the other serious, compulsive half of him. "Shifting gears", he called it. Shifty, alright. The breath-holding bit was soon proven short-lived though, as he dived back in for another twaddle, leaving me give in to his swirling whirl.

First day of school.

I Dreamed A Dream

2010-01-07T03:49:00.001+08:00

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high,
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
When dreams were made and used,
And wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung,
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dreams to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me
And we will live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms
We cannot weather...

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seems
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

Beyond appearance, age, actions, fronts....

The British can recognize talent when they see one. Now, how many can do that.

Sadly, few.

Mocking Love

2010-01-06T01:19:00.003+08:00

Love mocks at me
as I rip open my chest and gorge out my heart

Love mocks at me
as I leave the door ajar to invite the thief in

Love mocks at me
as I flung out a banner and prostrate in public

Love mocks at me
as I thank for the slap and offer the other cheek

Love mocks at me
as I watch the eye of sympathy

Love mocks at me
as I walk down the isle of assumptions

Love mocks at me
as I find myself in a trance of waiting

Love mocks at me
as I look upon the world of ironies

Love mocks at me
as I live a life of mockery

Love is mocking right at me

It Dawned Upon Me

2009-12-27T03:05:00.002+08:00

As the year nears its closing and festive exploits breeze us by, a depressing realization pulled itself upon me.

Life was more exciting when I'm in school than when I'm out celebrating.

That doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I'm elated to be out with friends, doing stuff together and all. Perhaps just that the thrill isn't as much as having to spend 20 hours up rushing about getting things done, gaining knowledge, and growing into a better person everyday. I know from young (and with my mum and sis regularly reminding me) that I'm kind of twisted and different. I surprise people and sometimes even myself. I live in my own world so much that if I don't speak to anyone the whole day, by night, I wouldn't know how to relate with people. I get irritated when I have to repeat, when people don't get what I'm trying to say, and when someone talk to me after hours of not talking. So I spend a lot of my life trying to be normal - talking more to people, expressing as much as I can patiently, trying to contain myself so that I won't scare some people off...

So my point is, don't mind me getting a sudden queer realization. I get that a lot.
But defending my self-accusation, I guess I'm just always searching for something more. Something more than what normal life gives. Even fun and play can get normal. Excitement settles when advancement stops. Like surprises without the surprise element, is a path of road that does not twist into another.

Yet if the road goes on and on seemingly unending and predictable, it might not mean that it's not fun. At least I know that I'm gaining mileage, and that might prove that I can conquer something tougher next time. Challenge gives the rush. How precious can it be when things are easily attained? If a joke can be anticipated, how can it be funny?

If you think about it, this actually makes sense. At least that's what makes my world go round thus far. Perhaps that's one reason why I'm so sure about being a christian. God never loses his creativity and you can never be sure what he's gonna do next.

Excitement

2009-12-22T13:57:00.006+08:00

Have you ever experienced fatigue so thorough that you can't even sleep for long anymore? For the past week, this is what I've experienced.

With an average of 3 hours of sleep per night, after 10 days of intense studying and project work, I was left an empty shell incapable of doing or feeling anything, or even walking at human speed. Even before the alarm clock rings, I would have a bad dream to wake me up screaming - just in time for school. Eating habit goes haywire - stuffing my face when I have the appetite to pile up the energy that I'll need later, or skipping a meal when I'm too tired to eat or feel hunger. And who needs social activities when sleep is precious like water in a parched desert. If I even recall knocking out at all, I don't recall my head hitting the pillow.
It's physical tiredness in its essence.

Now just to get over the hangover; still, a relief after a storm. With the rain tucking me in last night, I woke up a new person exactly 8 hours later. It has been some time since I've laid in bed for more than 5 hours, I found myself aching from lying down for too long. I washed up with the slowest movement I can maneuver, and settled for a delightful breakfast - milo and biscuits - without having to read something while eating. Tranquility like I've never felt. Afternoon sun a gentle sunshine. A passing shower to dampen the heat. Flipping through TV channels, not watching anything at all.

In a little while, work will come finding me again. But I'll welcome it with open arms - after the extreme, work has never been more relaxing. Perhaps it's back in the grind in just about a month. A little further to the edge, even; just about level, maybe. But this time I'll be ready in full suit and drawn weapon. Failure I'm not afraid, weakness I'm frightened.

Overeating VS No Craving

2009-11-02T00:20:00.006+08:00

Is it better to overeat and feel terribly bloated afterwards or live a life without craving? - Food becomes a mere survival essential. I go back and forth on that.

Greed grips you like a seductive woman swirling in her bewitching dance. You can't make her stop until you get your fill of indulgence, which by then would have been overfilled and turned old. As Shakespeare said it well..

"The appetite may sicken and so die.

That strain again! It had a dying fall."

Eating without craving is like kissing without loving. An experience that lost its meaning and easily forgotten as a belch. Numbed and callous, not unlike a call for duty. Is it better then, not to answer the calling?

But I'll say

"If music be the food of love, play on"

If music be the love for food, play on.

The Number

2009-10-08T11:08:00.002+08:00

The Impossible Wish List

2009-09-24T15:35:00.000+08:00

It's the time of the year again, when I'm forcibly pressed to grow older. And no matter how many times I ask God "Why do people have to grow up?", I can never do a Benjamin Button. So please spare me a blog post to dream a little impossibility like how we used to think that it's really possible when we were kids. (Isn't it ironic that when we were young, we thought that we would be able to do all that we want to do once we grow up; then we grow up only to find out that it's not possible after all. I'd rather stay young thinking that it's possible.)

The Impossible Birthday Wish List (Can be reused for Christmas.)

1) To have all the time in the world to learn all that I want to learn, without having to worry about money.
2) A Jeep Wrangler Sport (with the amazing road tax fully covered)
3) Either a cute fluffy little dog or a gigantic fluffy dog
4) A vampire (or make me one)
5) To travel around the world
6) To be a guy once in a while
7) To go underwater without having to breathe (and see if mermaids are real)
8) Meet Peter Pan
9) To be a professional musician
10) Try out the best cakes ever created
11) Driving license
12) A walk-in wardrobe (with clothes in it)
13) To live life on the road
14) A cozy little cottage
15) To be a kid again
:
:
16) Fairy Godparents (so that I can wish for everything myself)

If you can't get me any of those, just get me a nice towel or send a nice text message. (:

What If?

2009-09-05T01:52:00.005+08:00

What if fear doesn't exist.
The child would not have to lie to his mum.
The girl would not cry for the guy.
The man would not look out the window wondering how to feed his family for the next half year.

What if the world contains no doubt.
The singer would not sit and write that sad song.
The wife would not sniff out her husband's coat.
The old grandma would not frown in her seat on Sunday morning.

What if there is no greed among us.
The businessman would not have to sell his house.
The young lad would be contented being just a friend.
The domestic helper would not have to return to her country in shame.

But then...

How would the child learn that lying is wrong.
How would the girl know of a greater love.
How would the man realize that everyday, they are being fed.

The singer wouldn't know how to tie emotions with skills.
The wife could still be ignoring her husband.
Grandma could be sitting at home wondering when her world will end.

The businessman wouldn't be free enough to be with his children.
That lad wouldn't understand love.
The helper would have to wait two years to see her family again...

...if all this hadn't happened.

I'd promise you wings to fly, but how would you ever learn to run.

Gravels and Stones

2009-08-24T23:56:00.005+08:00

And here we go again. Back to the start of a new route. Where would this winding trail lead me to. Where would I be, how much would I change, who would I meet. Would I still be able to lie among gravels and stones, looking out at the endless blue.

Of fears and worries, how long can one remain at the sidewalk. Or should we count the odds against the risk. But you'll never know love until it pains, and when you feel the pain, you know that you've loved deeply. Don't cut off the pain just yet, let's go back to the love.

Maybe the sky wouldn't be as blue. Maybe the sand would be a rocky course. Maybe the streams would venture into the sea. But for now, let's sit back and breathe, amongst gravels and stones.

Anal bout saying Bye

2009-07-20T21:16:00.004+08:00

"I was thanking God just now for the people in my life
and I realized that I can even thank for my ever annoying grandma
it's her presence in my house that encourages me to proclaim Christ more loudly
another christian in the family
something I never had before
it's an added strength
and because of her, my maid came
a bigger encouragement and motivation
By the way, my grandma may be dying in three months' time
but even when she's gone, I think I can still hold the courage I have now
even though her life has been rather meaningless, nothing more than eat and sleep and complain
I prayed for her before to be a testimony
and today while I was praying, I realized that she had been one
just by being alive
That's when I realized that every single person has the power to impact."

Now you know that Jesus is real... Grandma.

A Dead Man or A Dead Heart?

2009-07-03T16:37:00.003+08:00

Cruelty of fleeting time. A man gave up on bleak hope, life moves on. Radiance withers on strangled joy, the routine carries on. Curious bystanders look on, grim expressions on their faces, then resume to the daily grind before drawing in attachment.

Is it better displaying wounds on a platform and take a sympathy or two? Or stifle up and shrivel, not provoking any harm. To cut at a tear over, till scars plague in the flesh. Or to wrap it up with a final rip, till it bleeds one last.

Either way, it's but beating against the law of nature. To defy against the cruelty of fleeting time.

Package Of The High Fashion Life

2009-07-02T17:22:00.005+08:00

Lights. Camera. Action. It's another day. I put on the dazzling smile that never fails my job. "Work it! Work it!" Someone shouted from behind the camera. I explored various angles as blinding lights flashed by the seconds. Think happy thoughts, think glamour, think sexy, be aloof. I was getting better at this, so much that it was becoming effortless. Like anticipating an unfailing surprise to pop by everyday, even glamour can become a nature.

I sank into auto pilot mode just before a break was called out. Yet I did not budge from my seat, though people all around sprang into action. Girls in black rushed to dab powder on my cheekbones, two others tousled with my wild mane. Stones too heavy for my ears hung from the lobes. A commanding voice booms across the studio, with arms waving for different props and backdrops. I didn't have to move a muscle. Like a doll stuffed in a dress, all I need to do is to keep still.

As people hurried about the little white room, I caught a glimpse of a familiar gaze in the mirror. Through the fluttery fake lashes, a pair of bright, innocent eyes stared back. Then I remembered this all comes in a package with the choice of passion. I'm the package. Accessorized with a different persona each time my turn comes.

Another call echoed through the room. Instantly, scurrying people retreated to their old positions. Work on my face halted from where it accomplished. Misty sprays disappeared above my head. It was my time now. All eyes set for a show of their creation. I rose expertly to take my place. Lights. Camera. Action.

This is my entry for the MTV Asia's blogger contest. See http://www.mtvasia.com/Funstuff/Contests/BloggerContest/viewentry.php?id=618

Please give your honest rating! (It's not so hard, you know. Only two options.)

*Note: This is not a personal account. I have never even wore fake lashes before, for goodness' sake.
Though I did highly infuse my opinions upon the anecdote. Fancy prostrating the core of this mega billion industry in such a negative light. Doubt I'll come close to winning anything. Oh well.

When Edward left Bella

2009-06-16T01:18:00.003+08:00

"I walked and walked. Time made no sense as I pushed slowly through the thick undergrowth. It was hours passing, but also only seconds. Maybe it felt like time had frozen because the forest looked the same no matter how far I went. I started to worry that I was travelling in a circle, a very small circle at that, but I kept going. I stumbled often, and, as it grew darker and darker, I fell often, too.

Finally, I tripped over something - it was black now, I had no idea what caught my foot - and I stayed down. I rolled onto my side, so that I could breathe, and curled up on the wet bracken.

As I lay there, I had a feeling that more time was passing than I realized. I couldn't remember how long it had been since nightfall. Was it always so dark here at night? Surely, as a rule, some little bit of moonlight would filter down through the clouds, through the chinks in the canopy of trees, and find the ground.

Not tonight. Tonight the sky was utterly black. Perhaps there was no moon tonight - a lunar eclipse, a new moon.

A new moon. I shivered, though I wasn't cold."

"Sometime later, the rain woke me up. I don't think I'd really fallen asleep; I was just lost in an unthinking stupor, holding with all my strength to the numbness that kept me from realizing what I didn't want to know.

The rain bothered me a little. It was cold. I unwrapped my arms from around my legs to cover my face."

Now I know what she means.

Alter Ego

2009-06-08T02:36:00.000+08:00

She was never one to run with the crowd. No, she survives alone at the most part. Even when it's crowded, she imagines pictures and words and characters that she had seen. Her world is full of colours, swirling colours she lived in.

Some friends came along and found her interesting. Oh the colourful world! What is she thinking! Others stumbled pass and clipped on the weird label. Still, others found her a mystery, unfathomable, probably too tiring to find out anyway.

In and out they went, some sprinted pass while others tried to keep up. Occasionally, some fell into pace, and fell back a little later, then shot pass again, and found their place in the latter.

She smiled at them. It's nice to see them go. She heaved another breath and continued on in the same sturdy rhythm.

It seems surreal, when reality appears ambiguous, and she ponders upon the list of people that she'd met. Real people, dramatic life. It's a paradox, she decided, but never got round to figure it out.

The only place, she thought, where I can find reality is the place I call home. The inhabitants hover around the same sloping grove, where birds chirp and leaves sway in the wind. Nothing too complicated, not exactly her ideal, but it's a good fortress.

Yet more than one count, she sees an animal attack it's own kind. Forest reduces to desert. A fortified city crumples into dust. She shook her head, not in disapproval, but to get it out of her head. That's when she realized that she has stepped out of her native. A foreign land I'm stepping on, she mused.

So she returns to the colours, her colourful world. Unpolluted by the looming dark hues. She thinks of pictures and words and characters, and smiled to herself. It's a colourful, colourful world.

Some say life moulds you to be who you are, but I say life tells you a story to let you know who you are. Your life story.

Let me get out of my body to look at myself better.

The Ones I Love

2009-05-24T01:48:00.004+08:00

Drama is officially over. It's been a long time since I've felt such a great sense of fulfillment! Last time in choir practices, I enjoyed what I was doing, so long hours of practices and rehearsals weren't really a chore to me. But this time in drama, it was a whole different experience. I did something out of my comfort zone and ability, I felt the tangible physical tiredness and have to carry the fatigue to work the next day, and I also felt the burden for doing a good job for my mum and sis who came!

It was a great challenge for me. Having avoided drama for some time, I always knew that I can do it if I try hard enough, though it ain't my flair. It was a great sight to see that small efforts combined together can touch so many lives! God's presence penetrated through the whole atmosphere and worked through all of us. Most of all, my mum and sis were there to experience everything! Above all else, this is all that matters. I can't thank God enough.

For once, the ones I love are all at the same place. (:

Peanut Butter Banana

2009-05-22T10:41:00.010+08:00

This has been my daily breakfast for over a month.

Peanut Butter Banana Sandwich!

Actually, it's more like, Peanut Butter Banana Jelly in raisin bread. It's awesome! The moment you sink your teeth into it, the rich flavours of peanut butter, banana, jam and raisins explode in your mouth, forming a fusion of taste and endorphins swirling through your brain, yet relishing every kind of different sweetness with each mouthful.

Sounds gross, but it's good.

And nicely in line with the theme of tomorrow's special service!

Peanut Butter Banana

Catch me in the drama.

Naked Worship

2009-04-26T18:41:00.005+08:00

True worship never begins until all is stripped away.

Until you forgot where you're at
Until you thought no one is beside you

Until you don't remember you're wearing any clothes
Or carrying any skills at all
Until you don't realize your age
And unconcerned of how you act

Until words don't matter anymore
All you do is babble
Until you don't feel like talking anymore
All you want is to rest in His presence

Then the ground beneath you disappears
Four walls shift away
You stand on water but never sinking
You see light that's ever shining

Sing to God like you're naked.

They have their reasons.

2009-04-23T15:15:00.005+08:00

Reasons why adolescents of today are afraid to go out to the working world:

1). Right at the interview, employers scare you with a chunk of JD, expectations and rules, all the while listing out with a long, stern face.
--> Woah... run before you get yourself into this!

2). Before even graduating, teachers tell you that it would be a whole lot more difficult in the working world in hope to make us appreciate studying and work harder.
--> Young children are nurtured into holding the concept that it's a cold and scary world out there.

3). When you finally make it into a job, senior staffs show off their superiority to the noob you in order to gratify their needs to feel important and all high.
--> Poor you have to put up with their insecurity and may even be influenced into feeling inferior.

No wonder teenagers of this age refuse to grow up.

But who cares?

I GOT A JOB!

April's Fool

2009-04-02T01:54:00.003+08:00

Besides the usual annual pranks, I find myself a fool in many ways.
This year, I'm a fool to my own weaknesses.
Or should I say, overestimation of self has fooled me.

I find myself at a lost when I realize that things I've been handling well all along aren't so ideal anymore.
And things that I'm never good at come haunting.

The trigger was pulled with a dreadful snap.
The sling shot hauled the exploding weight over the sky then slapped onto the cold concrete.

Many things I can't do, yet holding up with what feeble effort there is to spare.

Like lifting a crushing boulder with wobbling legs that would give way any moment.
Like an elastic band drawn to its furthest, anticipating to bounce back to its actual shape with a careless moment.

But while man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart.

And there is nothing more comforting than that.

Still, I need to change.

Oh, I am the usual kind of April's fool too. =,=
Stupid pranks.

The Unknown Fear; Fear Of The Unknown

2009-03-27T02:40:00.002+08:00

There is this fear in us that keeps us from telling the utter truth.

And it frightens me even more when you lay bare that unknown dread.

Would I frighten you too if I do the same?

Would we get everything that we wanted?
Or would every qualm come to life?

Would we swim in tears day after day?
Or would memories swiftly pass us by?

Be strong, my friend.
For I am not strong enough.

It's one of those posts again.

2009-03-19T05:44:00.004+08:00

It's here but you wanna push it.
It's there but you wanna have it.
It was with you, but now you wonder.
It's still with you, but still you ponder.

When you don't have it, you crave for it.
When you do, you crave even more.
Then you tear yourself away from it.
Only to find yourself ponder even more.

Why is it even an IT?

Crazy life. Crazy people.
Or I'm just crazy.

A Dedication

2009-03-12T12:56:00.001+08:00

Those Mocking Eyes

Those mocking eyes
They laugh at me
Through those eyes, they wanna make friends with me
The mouth cheers along but yet I see
A distant veil wrapped round to protect thee

Those mocking eyes
They laugh at me
Through those eyes, calls the strength I need
Yet a tinge of downcast wash it all out
Betrayed what little of laughter it can hold
That's when I realize, the celebration has stopped
The eyes are mocking no one else but own

Those mocking eyes
They laugh at me
Through those eyes, a familiar friend I see
The curtains are drawn to reveal an inspiration
Yet those eyes never stayed for an attribution
They roam in search of another story
One that gives the Highest One glory

Those mocking eyes
They laugh at me
Through those eyes, taught me what friendship means.

Nothing like Gracie-Day

2009-03-04T03:06:00.003+08:00

Food is never absent in our meet-ups. Organic CafeXperience is (expensive but) awesome!!

My cheese pan-fried chicken breast pasta.

Her chicken wholemeal noodles.

The awesome waffle wonders!

Time is short but sweet. It's when I can really slow down and enjoy.

Nothing like having a Gracie-Day to unwind.

Details Of A Mundane Life - Mother and Child

2009-02-26T01:17:00.005+08:00

It was blissful.
Just sitting there, watching her talk.
I could almost see a pencil sketching away that memory.
The bright colours turned pastel, lively crowd etched still.
Only that for the moment, there was no crowd, no one at all.

It was my turn to talk.
And I knew that I had to. More than ever, more than I would have liked it.
Before time runs out, before opportunity is lost, before barricades rise again.
So I spilled. It felt awkward, but it was good.
The walls were still down, so I heaved over all that I had before I could change my mind.

She let it out too. It surprises me every time. And it felt weird.
Suddenly the scene clicked.
Lenses refocused.
The pencil was still sketching away and we were still in the same place.
But this time, the mother was the child, and the child looking through the eyes of a mother.
The roles switched. But nothing changed.
I looked at her and smiled.
It was still blissful.

How many times does opportunity knock at your door?

2009-02-07T02:26:00.002+08:00

It's all about the perspectives, really. No biggie.
Just gotta let go.

If I loosen up, God would probably lead me to a better plan.
Right?
Yeah, he would.

Or not?

What's the worst it can get?
Regret?
Unfulfilled?
A fish out of water?

I've BEEN a fish out of water, yet survived. No biggie.
I've survived no matter how bad it got.
Could be better, yet couldn't have imagined how different it could be.
Guess that was the best.

But how long must I be out of water?
Can I finally return to where I belong?
Could a tiny decision lead to a change of events?

A change of life?

It's really difficult to see the infinite possibilities through a miserably minute window.
Just gotta trust the Big Man to do his job.

After all, it's all about the perspectives, really.

Mock the world, and it'll be nothing but a jester's stage.

2009-01-22T01:17:00.008+08:00

To love, to lust

Of greed and want

To steal, to kill

A jester's act unreeled

Mock the world and make it your stage

Nothing above your feet

Blinding gold and insatiable power

Would stay clear of your needs

For what can grasp more than these

That turn into hunger and thirst

Plagued on down to generations

Till a country revolts

A clown hollers

"Hey! Hear thee! See what they have done to me!

A monster they have made, into me, but now I pledge I'll flee

To be born again of what ruined me, though death is at my leap
Yet freed to live like a boy of a Jill, with menace under my feet."

Details Of A Mundane Life - Morning In Minutes

2009-01-14T01:08:00.004+08:00

The sun hid beneath the darkness, ready to spring out at its moment,
causing buildings below reflect an artificial blue.
Trees seemed to grasp the signal and picked up its wave in the growing breeze.
Dawn was breaking at its seams, yet gloom seems to reign in its course.

Then it all died down.
Quicker than how the ruffle began, a hush swept across the street, killing every muscle of movement.
The only evidence of daytime is the cheerful chirping resounding from urgent, fluttered wings.
Darkness loomed once more, this time with a verdict of doom.
The stillness rang a disquieting composure, unnatural at its peak.
Even midnight seems brighter than now, livelier in comparison.
I stuck my head out the window and joy diminished at an instant.
The cold wind pierced against my skin, only bringing solemnity to shoveled memories.
Like the peace before a storm, it's silence at its core.

Unfailing since earth began spinning, sunlight gradually sifted through the blackness.
Skies shifted by the seconds, transforming the short-lived despair.
Buildings lightened up like a budding smile on a child's face.
Somewhere in the distance, an engine roared to life.
The noisy interference almost went unnoticed.
Like the crow of a rooster, it was a sound of routine.

Dark, eerie windows flickered on squares of light.
I smiled at the sign of life, relieved as though the end of a tragedy.
And wondered at the marvel of day and night.
White paint now smeared over the turquoise sky.
It was like darkness and gloom were never there.
I let warmth enbrace me with greetings of hope.
Hope that only a morning can mould.

Much Ado About Nothing

2009-01-11T20:53:00.003+08:00

How did I let it slip through my fingers
When nothing was in my hands
How does a fear exist
When there's no obstacles ahead

How does one press on
When no goal is present
It's a fantasy that exists in a virtual dimension
When reality comes hunting
The soul remains inert
Only to expose the torn between point and folly

It's much ado about nothing.

Festive Rush

2008-12-26T04:25:00.003+08:00

Christmas is over.
Didn't even wait for me to figure things out. Didn't wait for things to be alright. Didn't care if the monsoon season spoils the Big Day's plans.

The night wasn't long enough to let guts spill. Not long enough to simmer an anxious heart. Not long enough to show that you care. Not long enough to get out of the festive monopoly.

And more events are happening right away.
Let's be forward-looking.

Dear God,

2008-12-17T13:42:00.005+08:00

One day the world will grow colder.
Everything we've come to cherish crumbles.
And only then we'll return back and remember your glow.

Don't make me grow up without you.

The Jester Says...

2008-12-15T02:43:00.004+08:00

Some people seem to be always next to you, but when you turn around, they seem to be never there.

Some people are so far from you, but from far, they want to reach to you.

Some people that you thought can never be your friends, are the safest people around.

Some people that you thought are your friends, are never to be found.

I give up trying to please everyone.

Irreplaceable

2008-12-03T01:43:00.004+08:00

I met a primary school good friend on the bus back home. It was a great time of reminiscing as memories came rushing back the moment I recognise that familiar boyish face. The boy whom I stood up for when everybody else ostracised him. The boy whom I ate with during recess at his lone table. The boy who had only been my classmate for primary 1 and 2, yet we knew each other's family members. The boy, who now looks more like a boy. Hahahha.

Great times.

And I wondered how many chances do I have left to see another familiar face in my neighbourhood. If Mummy decides to move, it's goodbye Tampines and hello... next to Malaysia. Like an oyster, plucked out from its salty ocean and stuffed into a clear water tank. Like a human heart, disconnected of its joints, transplanted from one body to another, and reconnected to its new joints. Who needs to stay 36 storeys high anyway?

Still. Though adapting may not be my best weapon, perspective shall be my best defence.

An Unplanned Rest

2008-11-18T17:22:00.004+08:00

The world may be ending tomorrow and I would still be munching away today. I may never get to see morning again and I would still sleep late tonight and miss my last breakfast. Grace may be piled upon me but I would still exchange it for repeated mistakes.

Now I eat for survival and sleep without meaning to.

Sickness - a consequence of sins or an opportunity for miracle?

Definitely an obstruction to efficiency. So don't have the time for this. People are demanding more of me and I got to give it to them.

Someone throw me a sackcloth please.

State of Grace

2008-11-12T00:56:00.003+08:00

From: Joleen Lee

Sent: 09 November 2008 23:56

To: padhman@pacific.net.sg
Subject: Graduation Project Submission

Hi Mr Padhman,
I understand that yesterday was the dateline for project submission. But when I reached school yesterday, the students services centre has already closed. I reached after 2.30pm and am deeply sorry for being late. Can I appeal to you for allowing me submit on Monday without deducting 20% off my marks? It would be a great pity to the great deal of hard work I've put into the project. Hope you understand.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Yours Sincerely,
Joleen Lee Hui Yi Katherine
AMCD2 0820A

___________________________________________________________________

From: padhman@pacific.net.sg
To: jol_810@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Graduation Project Submission
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:14:45 +0800

Yes.
OK.

___________________________________________________________________

From: Joleen Lee (jol_810@hotmail.com)
Sent: 12 November 2008 00: 57AM
To: padhman@pacific.net.sg

Thank you Sir!

Joleen

___________________________________________________________________

"Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!" So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them." -Daniel 3-

Praise the Lord.

YEAH BABY. XD

Acquaintance

2008-11-10T00:20:00.004+08:00

I meet all kinds of people at Starbucks.

Ang Moh: "What's your drink?"

Me: "Oh mine's White Chocolate Mocha."

Ang Moh: "Can I have a sip of that?"

Me: -panics- *Looks from Ang Moh to his friend*

Friend: "Say no, say no..."

Ang Moh: "Can I just dab my finger in and try it?"

Me: -panics somemore- "Err...."

Friend: "Say no, say no..."

Ang Moh: "I've washed my finger!"

Me: "NO!!" -Grabbed my coffee and ran off-

Ang Moh + Friend: *Laughing at my reaction*

Lol?

Tenacious Faith

2008-11-09T03:33:00.004+08:00

Due to my chronic laziness, procrastination has finally taken its toll on me. After a sudden realisation that GP is supposed to be submitted in one day's time instead of 2 weeks after, I rushed into a fit of typing and squeezing brain juices. Glued my eyes to the laptop screen for the whole day and stayed up till 5am. The next day missed an important class. It's okay, I'll just get to school and get the whole project over and done with. Woke up late! Rushed to school and perhaps the coordinator would listen to my explanation and give me a chance and not deduct 20% off my marks and....

The office has closed.

The project is still sitting in my bag and I'm trying to email the coordinator and lecturer to explain/appeal/beg....

But then again,

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." -Daniel 3-

Even if he does not help, I know that my future is secured.

Yeah Baby. XD

Nothing like having Grandma at home.

2008-11-07T15:51:00.002+08:00

As I'm typing now, my itunes music is fighting with my grandma's hokkien karaoke - MV of two aunties prancing and shaking in front of the screen with digital effects streaked in as backdrop. I can't believe I can actually describe it. =.= She watched it so many times that I think I can sing the songs by now. (Not that I will!)

Just now she was trying to convince me to watch it with her. O.O And I went " 不用！不用！" Gosh. What I meant was that I really wish I could but because I'm too busy with my graduation project so have to sacrifice watching this wonderful video of hers...

Now the TV is on and 《意难忘》 is showing.

I'm so drowned in old fashion.

Details Of A Mundane Life - Coffee

2008-11-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

Coffee
A deep, dark secret lies within.
A child gags at a taste of the bitter fluid, but from the same cup becomes elixir to a weary adult.

A quick fix to revive the fatigued mind, caffeine rushes at the speed of sugar. Yet bringing along complications when it all settles in, though addiction may rank in higher importance.

Coffee
Grand and old, maturity marks its name. An ice breaker for those that come together, or just an excuse for a rest. Be careful to savour at the right temperature lest it turns sickening, then you'll find the dark secret that lies deep within.

Communication

2008-11-05T02:04:00.001+08:00

In communications, we learn about the communication model - how communication is made up of transmission, encoding and decoding of messages, and the possibilities of messages being subjected to distortion. This is how the model looks like.

Sender -- [encodes] -- message -- channel (noise) -- [decodes] -- receiver -- feedback

It is due that the sender gets(encodes) an idea and it becomes a message. The sender then decides the channel used to send across the message. This channel can range from lips to body language to a mass medium.

However at this stage, the message is most vulnerable to noise or distortion. It could be environmental noise that causes the receiver to catch only parts of the message, or the sender's level of education that result in the disability to express oneself fully. Again, the sender could send across an unintended facial expression or body gesture that leads to misinterpretation.

The message finally reaches the receiver and the person understands and interprets(decodes) the message. At this stage, the receiver may misinterpret due to the noise that comes along with the message, or he could not even hear the message at all. Or due to lack of empathy and personal experience, the receiver is unable to identify with the sender. This is when feedback takes place. It could be a sigh, a critique, an encouragement, a smile or a cliché round-up statement. This model goes on for rounds until a conversation ends.

Now, why am I saying all this?

It may sound like a long-winded technical process but everyday, in every moment, this whole process happens again and again in a matter of seconds. Upon this added knowledge, how can we get the best out of it in common day’s context?

The theory suggests the fallibility of human. Confidence can be a boost to get the message across undistorted, but it could originally be misinterpreted by the sender in the first place.

I don't blame people for the dilution of values in church. It could well be caused by a 'noise' along the lines of communication. But all should be alert and careful about the things that we receive every day. Since the communication process is vulnerable to so many possible disturbances, shouldn't we search for our own resources instead of conveniently accept all that we receive? And that goes for all else whether Christian or not. Culture sets us on a flat plateau. Do you really want to be a lackey of culture?

A strong foundation in the word of God aids us to filter the messages that we receive, which thereafter helps us to make appropriate decisions. Sometimes we need a little push to snap out of confusion and listen to the voice of God.

Again I say, don't let others tell you how you should live.

Think about it.

Details Of A Mundane Life - At The Pool

2008-11-01T00:21:00.005+08:00

BLOOUURRPP!

Water gushed into my ears. I sank into a queer and mysterious dimension, one that is discrete of all clutter from the surface. Wet bubbles popped in my ears as I surged in the endless blue. The noon sun penetrates like laser, forming dancing pentagons on the floors. I peered around my hushed surroundings. The dusky realm calls for an imaginary treasure hunt, a swimming mermaid, a passing shoal. Images pranced in my head as this inspiration takes form.

Pressure fought against my will for survival and sipped up my energy like drinking water. Tension broke loose with every gulp of breath, then returned with a strained longing for another. Just then, my fingers brushed across a solid ledge. At first instinct, I hitched myself up and pulled away from my adventure. Familiar shining sunlight greeted my squinting eyes. End of first lap.

Gracie-Day!

2008-10-31T23:45:00.007+08:00

It's Gracie-Day again!

And that's how much I like my chocolate. Met up with Grace again, the day I always look forward to. She gave me this box of prestigious fine chocolates from Sins for birthday! Oh yeah.

Sinful indeed.

Brought her to Food For Thought and had my favourite kind of casual dining.

And not forgetting.... Cakes!

When we are all grown up, we will continue meeting out and bring our children out together. We will have tai-tai tea parties and watch each other grow old. Even when we are old and grey, we will carry our walking sticks to meet each other up.

6 years and on. Let's grow old together.

Details Of A Mundane Life - A Day at Starbucks

2008-10-29T23:02:00.002+08:00

He looked around and walked down the clusters of chatty crowd. There he spotted a lone ranger sitting at a table for 4. With a slightly distressed look, he came up to me and said, “Is somebody sitting here?"

He got comfortable in his seat and peered around his environment, sipping coffee once in a while. People walked to and fro, carrying out each own business. The fountain went up and down, shooting streams of water in the air before splattering flat on the ground.

But his expression carried a certain concern. One that dismiss the curiosity in others. It was him and his coffee alone. Even an outbreak of laughter from another table couldn't stir his motion.

With one last swig, he put down his cup. Creamy foam left lying at the bottom. He got up and joined the moving traffic, standing out with his height. Then he took a turn and became the common crowd.

Learning To Breathe

2008-10-29T22:08:00.002+08:00

Inhale.... Exhale... Inhale.... Exhale...
Be at peace. Because it's not about you, or me, or what everybody else teaches.

Let's remain sane.

The day I turned 18.

2008-10-21T00:47:00.023+08:00

Finally got round to blog about this year's birthday celebration. Thought it was going to be a quiet and homely one, but a bunch of sweet things tried to surprise me and made it a memorable day!

Xiuzhen, Huiyin, Abigail, Luke, Glenn and Cedric turned up for the dinner at Astons and Joel and Jeremy went down to find us after dinner. They tried surprising me with a large Secret Recipe cheese cake! Not that I don't want to play along, but Xiuzhen was like, "Sorry leh Jol, we never buy cake for you."

=.=

Anyway this year, I had my fill of cakes.

The big and expensive Secret Recipe cake.

Momo's homemade brownie topped with cream cheese and almond flakes. Oshhh! The way to make your kid return home for dinner is to be a good cook. No wonder Mum's always on the top of my thanksgiving list!

And of course, presents!

This is from Rosalin and Nigel. There's a funny thing about it. The card and stuff are put in an outfitter girl's pouch and then a coax pouch, but the present has nothing to do with outfitter or coax! Well, only one friend can do such a thing. And guess what? The main present is not the card. It's the shabby piece of paper at the corner. Let me give you a closer look.

Still don't know what's that? A ear candling voucher! Ross and I had been talking about it since the dinosaur ages. Okay, since term one of school. Woots!

Heart of the Artist by Rory Noland from Abigail and Big J. These two really know my heart! I'm now totally hooked on this book. I have this for lunch every day.

Anyone hungry? I got a bun for birthday! Haha. It's fake. A bread-lookalike armrest from Luke. For relieving stress or tempting you to eat it up. His gift came in two parts. (I wonder why?) This is also from him.

Now this is something interesting. A bottle of real-like pills that contain little scrolls of paper in them. For maybe writing down your deepest feelings then pop into your mouth and swallow it up. How creative is that!

A simple and thoughtful card from Cedric. =)

A diary from Huiyin. Brings back childhood memories. I love childhood relics!

Another diary from Xiuzhen. It will become my first phrase book!

Be Kind To Animals. I'm already very kind okay. Just that I eat some of them. It's from Glenn. The size is too big! But yeah, like I said, it's from Glenn.

This is from Sis. She always gives practical gifts. Just nice my old wallet is wearing out.

This is one sentimental gift from Yoke Ling. It's so sweet! Handmade and exquisitely done. She demonstrated a little of her NAFA artistic talents in the book. An artist's collection!

And of course, good old traditional red packets from Grandma and Mumsie loves!

Another birthday dinner with my family at a Korean Restaurant. As you can see, we had rice cake, kimchi fried rice, bibimbap, soju and all that we see in Korean drama serials!

Doggie came to wish me happy birthday too. Thanks Doggie! You've been a very good guard dog!

And thanks for the dinner and presents! I made you guys spend so much on me! Thanks for those who sent birthday messages too!

Next up, Gracie-Day!

Skip A Meal, Make A Change

2008-10-20T01:31:00.006+08:00

I had two great chats today. A series of unexpected events.

I was initially intending to dive into a good book over hot chocolate during my lunch break. Instead, I got to know a French, an Indonesian and a Vietnamese, and the group of us of various nationalities feasted on one common topic: Food.

Well, the story is longer than that. But to cut to the chase, I was offered a name card of a Director of Assistance Operations and Aviation by the time I get back to work. Like woah? I got to experience a real social networking setting which I'll probably be doing a lot more when I got into the media industry.

And it seems like the day's plans were never meant to be planned.

Was about to head back for a jog after dinner but Hui Juan was just round the corner and we did some chilling out with her friend. The two of us got into a long and deep chat on the way home that confronts certain issues that many of us are oblivious of or are too afraid to face.

There are more people than necessary who cruise through their church lives by blending into a crowd and dying a slow death. The vibrant colours of life are graying till one becomes history. The glory days are over and the church is now infiltrated with diluted values and foreign teachings.

If you are seriously thinking this way, I have good news for you.

The Truth still prevails.

There is a one true way high above man-made ones and it's still actively working in the midst of us whether we know it or not. Hang on to the familiar hand of God and we will be exalted with Him when the one Truth is exposed. A slip of faith right now and you might just miss the Golden Moment.

In Olympics, Golden Moments occur when an athlete breaks a world record or establishes a stunning move. But I say in real life, Golden Moments are savoured when one falls from a stroll, and decides to fly instead.

Don't let people and culture tell you how you should live.
Don't let the fear of instability shake you from pursuing what you can get.
Don't let your insecurities deprive you of unleashing your fullest potential.

As long as you attach yourself to every step that God takes, you'll be alright, seriously.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honour him." -Psalm 91:14-15-

Very soon, it will be alright.

2008-09-29T03:15:00.005+08:00

Gee. I don't know what hurts more.
Emotional or psychological damage?

Completely distracted for this time round of exams. Of course, it's well-anticipated and has no one to blame. After all, how does one stuff facts and materials into a junk-filled brain? Even reading a textbook repeatedly for five hours straight doesn't work. That is, unless you have Doraemon's 记忆面包! Too bad it's inaccessible.
Sure don't need bad results to add on to the mess. That would be, perhaps, physical damage.

But it doesn't matter anymore.
'Cause I'm going back to where I came from.
Everyone must recognise their own position, isn't it.

Governed by the Heart or Head?

2008-09-25T04:17:00.004+08:00

I'm sorry I can't sleep. The more tired the mind gets, the stronger the will of the body to stay awake.

So the title says it all. When was the last time you made a decision based on what you feel? What was the last decision you've made because it's what you should do?

Or rather, to make things more complicated, when did u last make a decision within the ambiguous grey area? Where no line is drawn and you are still safe within the 'faultless' boundary.

At the end of the day, no matter how much my heart cries out in longing agony, my head will still rule over. 'Cause I'm a weakling that bows down to authoritative values and morals. No, I'm a rule-abiding righteous freak who compromises to none. Or should I say I'm a trapped bird that's cast away and disallowed of all potential unscrupulous emotions that one should produce. Then I'll rather be an emotion-voided flesh bag that just received a kiss from the dementors. If ever comes a day that I make any major decisions based solely on emotions, you'll know that I'm pushed to my limits.

Don't push me to my limits.

You know what, I don't feel like continuing this post. And that goes into the first option, yes I know.

Gadgets n Such

2008-09-13T01:01:00.006+08:00

I got myself a new toy. =)

- TI OMAP 850 processor 200 MHz

- Quad-band GSM (850/900/1800/1900), GPRS and EDGE - SiRFStar III integrated GPS receiver

- TFT 2.6" LCD screen with 65K colors 320×240 resolution

- 128 MB ROM and 64 MB RAM

- Bluetooth 2.0

- Mini USB

- microSD port

- 2MP digital camera

- Windows Mobile 6.1 Professional

Small, compact, a little slow and troublesome here and there, but good enough. =) The most surprising thing is that it doesn't come with a 3G function and doesn't support Chinese language. -.-' Totally caught off guard. Didn't realise that remnants of cavemen still prevails in this age. However, it satisfies this tech-noob that roams around alone in search for a discovery into the new digital age. Yes, it's me, ME.

So it's goodbye to gothic red teeny boppy 5610 Xpressmusic and hellooo to sleek, cool, all matured Asus P320. A welcome for turning 18 perhaps?

I'll miss my trusty old yellow sock tho. ='(

A Special Friend

2008-09-05T02:53:00.009+08:00

Had a wonderful catch up with Grace the other day. Come to think of it, meeting up this girl always turn out to be pretty awesome.

Gave her a birthday treat at a cute Japanese restaurant called Shokudo - which means 'dining room' in Jap. They serve special food like pumpkin soup which I had some. Expecting an exotic tongue-thriller, it turned out to be surprisingly pleasant. Had some of Grace's tomato-cream pasta too and didn't like it. It's like having tomato sauce but bringing along the sickening taste of cream when you had too much cake. The texture of the spaghetti was good though - thinner and more chewy than what you can get from Pastamania. Anyway, we forgot to take photos for the first few dishes. But dessert came and it was so picturesque that we gushed over our camera phones to capture it.

A good Tofu Cheesecake that is light and with just the right amount of lingering aftertaste. Goes even better with a tint of the strawberry jam that's supposedly for decoration. Standing right beside is my Umeshu Soda, which is a Japanese plum wine - kinda like the Relax Choya that you see on TV last time. It has a refreshing sweet and sour taste that melts you into a relaxed mood. I would say it's the most satisfying order I made that night. Definitely can't get drunk with this.

We also had this cute-looking red bean mochi shaved ice topped with a scoop of sesame ice cream. By then, we were both too full to take the strong taste of sesame and red bean. So we left half the mountain of it swimming in the pool of melted ice. But then again, the red bean was too sweet and gooey in the first place. And the ice cream... we just didn't like sesame!

The overall dining experience was nice and pleasant, with good service and ambiance. Heard that the outlet at Raffles City has a cute concept like Marche, making it a food bazaar. So if you are thinking of trying it out perhaps you can visit the RC one since the Citylink one does the usual restaurant way.

Anyway, we went to the Esplanade roof terrace to chat the rest of the night away. It's amazing how comfortable we can touch on sensitive topics without having to worry about communication barrier, 'cause we simply speak each other's language! Some friends may make me joke around all day, some may quiet me down, some make me worry about the next line to say, some may force the childish side out of me. Yet one of the most cherished moments is when friends can just pour their hearts out to each other. That was one of those moments.

We talked with no constraints or fear of being judged. It was really easy, I don't even have to try hard to let her understand, she got it like it's all part and parcel of life. She makes me feel like a normal person. And a normal person is all I want to be. Thank God for such a friend in my life. It's like an added courage, a spur that you'll need once in a while. A stable pillar to lean on when everything else is spinning in confusion. I want to be such a friend too. =D

goodnight

2008-09-02T01:22:00.003+08:00

Is it my blocked ears or am I not hearing anything?

It's a serene night again. Almost too quiet.
A disturbing silence.

A ringing tranquility.
All I can hear is my breath.

I need a rest. A deep rest.